Not only can I not find any GSM coverage (yes, I drove around in a 15 mile radius like a moron looking for some), but AT&T claims I don't even have an account with them! This is particularly odd because I ordered a plan, and did in fact receive a SIM card and a bunch of AT&T literature with my shipment... Who knows?! Not them.
And I just now realized that Amazon doesn't provide phone support! (This is good and bad. Good because it means I've never had the need to use it during any of my prior 30 orders, bad because I'm stuck sending an email into a black hole waiting for a response “within 24 hours.”)
At least the phone looks cool.